im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
