Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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