i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
