Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I AM VODKA MAN
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
