I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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