I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
