I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
