you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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