EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
