i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
