I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
