I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
