listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
