thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
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I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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