Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
