that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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