the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
