I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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