had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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