my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
