Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
