i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
