Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
