You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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