I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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