Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
