walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
