My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
