the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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