if you like me you must not know who I am
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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