Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
