The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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