I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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