I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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