don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
