I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
