I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize