It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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