I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I am midnight drunk by noon
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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