also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
