I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
