Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I puked a lego.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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