My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
