I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
