I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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