Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dear god my vagina.
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