You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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