so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
