please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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