I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
