Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
