just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am naked and annoyed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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