the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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