Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
