We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
