saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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